I guess I don’t really know how to start explain what is going on… Medical terms quickly become what might as well be French. So bare with me while I try to explain what the heck is wrong with me…
Well I went in October 2018 for an annual lady check up to renew my birth control prescription for the year (casual) I didn’t think twice having a pap exam. A few days later I got a call from my doctor ( I assumed it’d just be the usual ” you’re all clear and everything is normal” call ) she told me they found “abnormal cells on my cervix”. I quickly began to panic as I walked Brody down Hollywood Blvd so he could go potty, she quickly explained it wasn’t abnormal enough to need to come in for further testing but that I would have to come back in again in 6 months to have another exam done. Feeling anxious and nervous I just pushed this to the back of my mind and Thomas and I moved to Florida.
Now 7+ months go by and I remember that I need to schedule another appointment to see if these cells cleared themselves or what was going on. I am a total worrier and once I realized I was over due for this check up I immediately began to run through all the worst case scenarios. What if this was Cancer? What if I need a hysterectomy and now I can’t have kids? What if this is something that changes my life forever? My biggest fear in all of this was what if I can’t have kids because of this, I didn’t want to feel broken or not be “woman” anymore (which I know sounds crazy but I had this irrational fear of not being able to give Thomas the family we have always talked about, and that tore me apart). After a long drawn meltdown sobbing hysterically in bed while Thomas tried everything to make me feel better, the tears suddenly became happy ones as he told me “I chose you for the rest of my life. Not because we could have kids but because I want to spend my life with you! If we can’t have our own we will adopt or find another way if that is what you want, I love you Logan and we are going to get through this no matter what, but right now though we need to focus on your health!” Hearing this from the person I love the most was so comforting, and he was right I needed to focus on being healthy. So I decided that in the morning I needed to book myself in and figure out what was going on.
I found a great doctor here in Sarasota and went in for what I thought would be the final appointment that would give me peace of mind. He told me based on my last exam and my age and lifestyle that the test should come back clear and that odds are my body fixed itself, leaving feeling relieved I waited a few days for them to call. A few days go by and after spending all day Monday ( my day off from work ) at the beach I got home and cooked dinner for Tk Ev, and I. I cleaned up the kitchen after we ate and sat down on the couch to watch them play Fortnite, as I opened my phone I realized I had a missed call and a voicemail…from the doctor of course. His nurse said the test came back more abnormal than before… and they needed to get me in for more testing before the 4th of July (That coming Thursday). My stomach flipped, my heart dropped and not being able to call back and ask questions until the morning because they were closed I began to panic. Thankfully / Unfortunately I remembered they have an online portal that I could login to. I set up my account and began to search for my test results. Like I said before, I am no doctor and in front of me are all these long words and medical abbreviations and so I did what anyone else would do, I Googled it. From what I gathered through google I have abnormal cells in my cervix and they are Cin 2 and Cin 3. Cin 4 cells are typically stage 1 cervical cancer, so now I’m beyond freaked out. I see they have already scheduled me for a Colposcopy and possible Biopsies for Wednesday morning less than 48 hours from then. So once again I google this procedure, and I gather its a cervical exam where they spray you with a vinegar solution which makes the abnormal cells turn white and the doctor looks at the cells through a microscope. So that doesn’t sound too bad, until I read about cervical biopsies… crap! “it feels like a pinch” “minor discomfort” “quick and painless” these are all terms I read! After talking to my dad, Thomas and my best friend Mandie and her momma Birdie ( who has been through this all before) I am still terrified but I go to sleep for the night. The next day I talk to the nurse who just confirms everything I have read saying that with this type of dysplasia they need to look into things further to see if this is something we need to treat.
Wednesday morning comes and Thomas and I go to the doctors. I am scared, I do not like doctors to begin with and adding the fear of having cancer on top of that I am already shaking. They get me in (Tk waits for me in the waiting room) and he does the whole vinegar thing and says he needs to do a few biopsies. Fuck. He tells me that I will feel ‘slight pressure and a pinch’ and that is exactly what the first one was…then he says he has to do a “bigger one and it may be more painful” and oh my god the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Which is all just magnified by being vulnerable on a table spread open in front of a microscope. I have never wanted to escape a situation so badly in my life. They finish up the exam and he tells me that what he saw was definitely precancerous cells and that there is a 50/50 chance they will become cancerous. So regardless of if this test reveals that there are some cancerous ones he is anticipating treating me with laser treatments. I asked him how painful that will be and his response was “not terrible” and I asked if it was more painful than the biopsy he just did and he said “oh yes it is”. The moment the door shut and I was alone I hysterically began to cry, scared, and afraid of what may happen next. I pulled myself together, walked out to the receptionist and went to get Thomas. Ready to sob as I left the office a very adorable pregnant lady gets in the elevator with us, so now I can’t just start wailing. We make to the hallway that leads outside to the parking structure and I can’t hold it in anymore. I start balling as Thomas puts his arm around me and feeling overwhelmed, in pain and so scared for what’s to come.
Its been a few days since all of this has unfolded and I have had time to kind of process everything going on. I am absolutely terrified of having painful laser treatments done. And I really just don’t want to have them done. But I am even more scared of what could happen if I don’t. Cancer is the scariest thing in all of this, and although going through what is to come is going to be awful I feel really lucky and blessed to be able to catch this early enough to treat it. I have always dreamed of being able to have kids one day and the thought of losing that is very scary but the thought of what could happen to me if I don’t take care of myself is worse. I am still waiting on the test results to know how bad the abnormal cells are, and waiting to hear if they are already cancerous or if we caught them early enough. As I sit here typing this I feel sad, angry, confused, scared and so many other emotions. I almost feel so many things that I am numb and feel absolutely nothing. I know that all of this is mentally tougher than I ever imagined. I am trying to keep myself from falling into a negative mindset, with the hopes that staying positive will help my body heal faster and feel better but I also have to let myself feel fear because as strong as I am sometimes it just feels like too much to handle and that “weakness” that human part of me is okay. I know that no matter what I will be okay. I am so lucky to have the people and the support that I do around me and no matter what I know I will get through this.
That is the update on my health currently, I am just patiently waiting for the results from this test. Trying to stay hopeful and praying that the test comes back just abnormal and precancerous and not cancerous. If you’re reading this still, thank you for taking the time to get through my rambling nonsense. And to all the women out there that haven’t seen their lady doctor in a year or more, please make yourself an appointment and be proactive. I can’t stress enough how crucial it is to have annual check ups, our bodies are constantly changing and finding something early could quite literally save your life.